The Trailblazing Spouse
Artwork by Louise Dixon
Canadian winters can be hard, especially if you've spent your life in a warm country. Rewa, originally from Syria, found it overwhelming when she and her family arrived in Markdale, Ontario, a community of 2,000 people located about an hour north of Toronto, just as winter began last year.
“The weather is a big challenge. My house is heated enough but I was still freezing because in my mind it’s -25C. Even now as our second winter is about to start I can feel my depression begin too. I am thinking, ‘Oh, winter is here!’”
The cold temperatures can be intimidating and a challenge for many newcomers. Rewa and her family landed in Canada at the height of COVID-19. Everything was unfamiliar. They faced COVID quarantine, temporary accommodation that felt isolating and on top of that - the weather!
Seasonal depression is a common challenge even for many who are born and raised in Canada. For those sensitive to chilly weather, it can come with a reluctance to venture out. Although there were times she preferred to stay under her blankets, Rewa set herself small daily goals. Her husband began working almost immediately. As the “trailing spouse” (a person who follows their life partner to another city or country because of a work assignment or new job) and mom to two young children, Rewa needed to navigate and organize everything else.
Nothing short of heroic
“Today I’m trying my best to be happy and supportive for my family. This is not the first time I’ve reinvented myself. First was when I resettled in Lebanon, which came with its own set of challenges. I couldn’t work there because of my Syrian accent. I also gave birth to our second child without any family support as we couldn’t safely cross borders to be with each other. So, coming to Canada is like another re-birth. You need to have a new entity, new identities, new documents, translate all you’ve brought with you, begin a different journey, find a place to live, a car, schools - everything!”
Thankfully Rewa has an innately positive mindset to match her strong will. She describes driving in ice and snow when they first arrived.
“It was a challenge for me. If you live in a smaller town you have to drive. Where I live, there is no bus, nor school bus for the kids. So, either you need to walk or drive them to school. For sure, for me, I chose to drive them! It’s easier than walking and I just spoke to myself, ‘Come on you can do this, driving is easier.’”
Many aspects of life were unfamiliar. Although Rewa and her husband are well educated, cultural differences meant they had only dealt with cash in the past. Setting up bank accounts and having access to credit cards was an adventure in itself. Thankfully they are a tight team.
“When you have your partner beside you, it’s really much easier to cope. My husband is my rock. He is so supportive and pushes me to reach my dreams. He will always let me know he believes in me and what I can achieve.”
Trailing spouse depression is real
Spouses who move for their partner’s career often face unprecedented issues around depression, anxiety and adjustment issues. For refugees, this is coupled with processing delays, inaccessible services, culture isolation and ineffective support systems. All wreak havoc on those who are most relied on to be there for the whole family. Rewa agreed it can be a tough ask to provide a warm and safe base for your partner and children when you are grappling with experiences around language and cultural barriers. Children often cope with the changes more quickly as they straddle old and new, learning the host language quickly, making friends and adapting to new cultural norms more rapidly.
Rewa had experienced a loss of self-identity in Lebanon. Although she was a primary school teacher in Syria, she was unemployable in Beirut. She was determined to explore possible employment in Canada. With the help of Jumpstart Refugee Talent, she was delighted to find assistance in getting her graduation documentation accredited. Although she had attempted to figure it out herself, she'd had no luck. Once she had her resume and qualifications approved she drew on her own tenacity to seek employment. The mentorship offered by Jumpstart gave her the confidence in interviews for work plus in sorting out childcare for her youngest child. She's now using her teaching skills and knowledge of moving countries as a former refugee to help others.
“I have a position as a settlement worker with the YMCA. It’s what I love, what I have dreamed of for my whole life. Deep inside my heart I have always wanted to help people. I am using my experience of being a newcomer to help others. It’s like giving back to the community and I love this feeling. This is the first time ever in my life I have experienced true equal rights.”
The confusion of a new country notwithstanding, Rewa feels blessed and appreciates the opportunity granted via her husband’s work placement. TBB supported him and through an employment opportunity, they moved to Canada as permanent residents. Now they wish to make the most of this chance for their little family to start again. “I really appreciate being here. I feel safe always, like we have done something right for our kids to help them build their futures.”
She misses her family back home and they are now a long way away. “I cry every morning when I talk to my Mom. I love to start the day talking to her and derive positive energy from the calls. I can feel like I am still a part of their lives with these daily catch ups. My Mom can’t believe all the things I have done but understands that I don’t accept just sitting around doing nothing. It affected me for 4 years in Lebanon when I didn’t have a choice. Now I can use my education and stimulate my mind.”
Both parents are super busy with their jobs and activities with their children. Their eldest is about to start ice-hockey training. The coach said he had shown talent. Rewa is bemused by this. “Where could the talent come from? We have never skated in our lives. We don’t know anything about skating in our family!”
Facing challenges as adventures
Rewa meets challenges as adventures, her key to survival and happiness, along with being able to give back. She also practices her English all the time and simply talks to everyone she meets. “You just have to make mistakes and keep practicing. Otherwise you won’t get better. It’s also how you connect and make friends.”
While Rewa found the Canadian weather a challenge she has now realized that it was simply another hurdle which can be overcome. It would be a similar challenge for many to move to the Middle East and need to adapt and function in the height of summer without reprieve. Globally, employers and agencies understand these challenging nuances and can set up candidates for success through guidance and managing expectations around appropriate clothing.
If you are moving as a refugee spouse then it’s vital to be mentally prepared for unique situations that arise.
Here are Rewa's tips to help you along the way.
Understand that difficult circumstances will arise.
Shift to a positive mindset to help face day to day tribulations.
View your family as a powerful and strong force that can deal with any scenario. Facing things together will only reinforce your family’s bond.
Interpret challenges as adventures and turn them into “I can do this” moments.
Accept you may feel lonely at times but try to connect with at least one other person each day.
Ask for help from agencies in your host country. They will be happy to help you out.
Find a purpose for yourself, not just for your partner and children. This will help you to feel more connection with local society and improve your self-worth.